Friday, November 05, 2004
9.8 m/sec/sec
Do you ever feel like you're escaping the gravity that keeps you connected to the rest of the world? Or maybe it's the gravity losing its hold on you.
I don't suppose I've ever really been what one might consider a "normal" person with "mainstream" interests and beliefs, but I'm not especially unusual. I'm okay with not being interested in the things that most people are. But lately I've been catching myself trying to participate happily in society, and deriving pleasure in all the wrong ways.
I went to the game with my dad a few weeks back for some male bonding. As we were ascending the helix to the upper deck I realized I was enjoying myself, thrilled to be in the stadium during a sporting event. The view from the top of campus was beautiful: it was one of those cool bright days where light flashes from the dancing leaves all the way to the horizon, and the sun makes you sneeze when you tilt your head wrong. The band warming up below started this mesmerizing rhythm and the announcer guy was droning stats and predictions through the loudspeaker like an auctioneer. People were selling peanuts and cokes in little trays they carried on straps around their necks as clouds rushed through the sky like fish. I don't think I really saw a single play of the game. I was too busy enjoying myself.
And the American flag was flapping around elegantly in the wind. I felt a rush of pride when I stood up for the national anthem. But I never sing the anthem and I didn't sing it then: I don't salute pieces of cloth and I won't pledge my allegiance to anything but Jesus.
And then on Election Day I strolled into the community rec center with a grin on my face. I asked the little old lady for my ballot and crossed the gym floor under grade-school yellow light, charmed by the red, white and blue and all the voters at their booths. But the only names I knew on the ballot were for president. I made the rest of the choices blindly, and I wouldn't have it any other way, because I just don't care about politics.
Do you see? I'm not enjoying being a part of the events themselves or appreciating what they're supposed to represent. I'm just smiling giddily at how they look, what they represent to me. It's like I'm hovering around right above the crowd of humanity, enjoying the view, but unable to land and take part in the scenery.
Maybe there's just not enough gravity to keep me here.
If I float away before you see me again, have a nice day!
I don't suppose I've ever really been what one might consider a "normal" person with "mainstream" interests and beliefs, but I'm not especially unusual. I'm okay with not being interested in the things that most people are. But lately I've been catching myself trying to participate happily in society, and deriving pleasure in all the wrong ways.
I went to the game with my dad a few weeks back for some male bonding. As we were ascending the helix to the upper deck I realized I was enjoying myself, thrilled to be in the stadium during a sporting event. The view from the top of campus was beautiful: it was one of those cool bright days where light flashes from the dancing leaves all the way to the horizon, and the sun makes you sneeze when you tilt your head wrong. The band warming up below started this mesmerizing rhythm and the announcer guy was droning stats and predictions through the loudspeaker like an auctioneer. People were selling peanuts and cokes in little trays they carried on straps around their necks as clouds rushed through the sky like fish. I don't think I really saw a single play of the game. I was too busy enjoying myself.
And the American flag was flapping around elegantly in the wind. I felt a rush of pride when I stood up for the national anthem. But I never sing the anthem and I didn't sing it then: I don't salute pieces of cloth and I won't pledge my allegiance to anything but Jesus.
And then on Election Day I strolled into the community rec center with a grin on my face. I asked the little old lady for my ballot and crossed the gym floor under grade-school yellow light, charmed by the red, white and blue and all the voters at their booths. But the only names I knew on the ballot were for president. I made the rest of the choices blindly, and I wouldn't have it any other way, because I just don't care about politics.
Do you see? I'm not enjoying being a part of the events themselves or appreciating what they're supposed to represent. I'm just smiling giddily at how they look, what they represent to me. It's like I'm hovering around right above the crowd of humanity, enjoying the view, but unable to land and take part in the scenery.
Maybe there's just not enough gravity to keep me here.
If I float away before you see me again, have a nice day!
