Saturday, October 23, 2004
Recasting the vision
One of the biggest things I have been learning about this year is something called honesty. I used to think that being honest meant telling everybody everything you ever did and felt, and that for me to not be a liar I would have to share all my sins with everyone. So I decided I would be better off being a liar.
I was a really good liar.
When God first began to put this desire for honesty inside of me, I got scared. I thought it meant I had to tell everybody everything I ever did. They would think of me much differently if they even knew the half of it. So I fought the urge--pretty much stopped talking altogether.
At least I wasn't lying.
Unfortunately, this period in my life coincided with my first year at college, when I didn't have my old support group to keep me feeling safe. So since I didn't want to risk honesty and I was sick of lying, I sort of just decided to keep my trap shut. I kept another blog (which still exists, but you will never read it) which served as my outlet during all of this introspection. This didn't work either.
And then I got involved in this on-campus group called Chi Alpha Christian Fellowship. People there were honest--disarmingly so. They weren't afraid to act the way God made them and let other people deal with it.
(For more on this concept, read John Eldredge's Wild At Heart.)
Authenticity scared me. I ran away. But they kept drawing me back, with hugs and kisses and prayers and love. And I began to face the fears surrounding authentic relationships. I conquered a lot of them. Things really got interesting when Calla Maria and I decided we were sick of the superficial babbling we'd become so comfortable with: we vowed to be completely honest.
Things had the potential to get ugly--we were exposing ugly things. But sometimes we need a little danger if we want to grow.
It says in I John 1 that when we walk in the light--when we're sincere and straightforward about our faults--we have fellowship with one another, and we're cleansed from all our sins. If you say that you have no sin in you, then you're a liar. But when you confess them, He is faithful and just to forgive you. It's that simple. It took me a long time to learn this, but I did...in a very dramatic way.
So, it has been a process of learning. I went too far in my first attempts at authenticity. But I've finally struck a healthy balance. I'm not going to tell you guys everything I've ever done. Not here, at least. That's not really appropriate. I have certain people with whom I am completely honest, and walking in the light is how I am made pure. You should seek that, if you haven't already.
But. I am going to be honest with you. You don't care about what I ate for dinner or what I'm doing in school right now, so I'm not going to bore you with the details. I'm going to share with you WHO I AM.
(I do hope you care about that.)
Maybe I just want to do this because I'm a self-absorbed loser.
But I feel like most of you don't even know me: and I consider many of you to be my best friends. And I don't think I know you, either. That's why we're constanly surprised and unfulfilled by our relationships. Because we're just playing off of these stupid facades that don't mean anything.
And it's killing us.
So, I guess my point is this: Don't be surprised if I don't seem to be who you thought I was. It doesn't mean, "Oh, David's just changed so much since he's gone to college." True, I have. But if you think it's a change for the worse, then you don't know me, and maybe never did.
(That's not an accusation, but a confession, by the way.)
Sometimes I'm unhappy. Sometimes I use strong language. Sometimes I ask questions of God that might not have an immediate answer. HE certainly isn't afraid of honesty. I believe He's big enough to cover my doubts, and I trust Him to give me the appropriate answers in the best ways imaginable (even if the answer is Silence).
This is your chance to understand me.
For what it's worth.
I don't believe God made anyone for nothing, so I have to consider that in the light of my own self. What do I have inside of me that you could benefit from? And likewise, what do you have that you can feed me with? That's what Life is all about: growth! Development! Daily epiphanies, however small.
So, let's get to it!!!
I was a really good liar.
When God first began to put this desire for honesty inside of me, I got scared. I thought it meant I had to tell everybody everything I ever did. They would think of me much differently if they even knew the half of it. So I fought the urge--pretty much stopped talking altogether.
At least I wasn't lying.
Unfortunately, this period in my life coincided with my first year at college, when I didn't have my old support group to keep me feeling safe. So since I didn't want to risk honesty and I was sick of lying, I sort of just decided to keep my trap shut. I kept another blog (which still exists, but you will never read it) which served as my outlet during all of this introspection. This didn't work either.
And then I got involved in this on-campus group called Chi Alpha Christian Fellowship. People there were honest--disarmingly so. They weren't afraid to act the way God made them and let other people deal with it.
(For more on this concept, read John Eldredge's Wild At Heart.)
Authenticity scared me. I ran away. But they kept drawing me back, with hugs and kisses and prayers and love. And I began to face the fears surrounding authentic relationships. I conquered a lot of them. Things really got interesting when Calla Maria and I decided we were sick of the superficial babbling we'd become so comfortable with: we vowed to be completely honest.
Things had the potential to get ugly--we were exposing ugly things. But sometimes we need a little danger if we want to grow.
It says in I John 1 that when we walk in the light--when we're sincere and straightforward about our faults--we have fellowship with one another, and we're cleansed from all our sins. If you say that you have no sin in you, then you're a liar. But when you confess them, He is faithful and just to forgive you. It's that simple. It took me a long time to learn this, but I did...in a very dramatic way.
So, it has been a process of learning. I went too far in my first attempts at authenticity. But I've finally struck a healthy balance. I'm not going to tell you guys everything I've ever done. Not here, at least. That's not really appropriate. I have certain people with whom I am completely honest, and walking in the light is how I am made pure. You should seek that, if you haven't already.
But. I am going to be honest with you. You don't care about what I ate for dinner or what I'm doing in school right now, so I'm not going to bore you with the details. I'm going to share with you WHO I AM.
(I do hope you care about that.)
Maybe I just want to do this because I'm a self-absorbed loser.
But I feel like most of you don't even know me: and I consider many of you to be my best friends. And I don't think I know you, either. That's why we're constanly surprised and unfulfilled by our relationships. Because we're just playing off of these stupid facades that don't mean anything.
And it's killing us.
So, I guess my point is this: Don't be surprised if I don't seem to be who you thought I was. It doesn't mean, "Oh, David's just changed so much since he's gone to college." True, I have. But if you think it's a change for the worse, then you don't know me, and maybe never did.
(That's not an accusation, but a confession, by the way.)
Sometimes I'm unhappy. Sometimes I use strong language. Sometimes I ask questions of God that might not have an immediate answer. HE certainly isn't afraid of honesty. I believe He's big enough to cover my doubts, and I trust Him to give me the appropriate answers in the best ways imaginable (even if the answer is Silence).
This is your chance to understand me.
For what it's worth.
I don't believe God made anyone for nothing, so I have to consider that in the light of my own self. What do I have inside of me that you could benefit from? And likewise, what do you have that you can feed me with? That's what Life is all about: growth! Development! Daily epiphanies, however small.
So, let's get to it!!!
